Cutter Live

6:32pm: A long tension broken

Today, something I've been waiting for for over a year--and not the patient kind of waiting, or the passive kind of waiting, or the it's-on-my-mind kind of waiting; the "I have to stop myself from functioning because if I let myself think about anything at all it will be this" type of waiting--

It finally happened.

It feels like that Christmas morning when you were five and Santa actually got you the thing you really wanted but you had given up on ever getting.

11:08am: [fanfic] Vocabulary

Have a Kingdom Hearts II fic.

This isn't the Princess Tutu/Kingdom Hearts crossover; this is the spinning-out of a couple of sideline ideas that don't (or don't yet) fit into that fic. It may or may not end up being part of that timeline eventually. I know some of the concepts I worked on here will crop up there.

Mild KHII spoilers in the sense that I name some characters and their affiliations. The story itself is set before Chain of Memories, dealing with the question of when Axel first started using a certain word to describe a certain part of his life.



( Vocabulary )

9:19am:
Happy Thanksgiving to all!

8:21am: A cursed dam broken

For weeks, I haven't been able to write. Not anything, a story or a poem or nonfiction or even sometimes my own grocery list. I haven't been able to write or talk to anyone, either.

The dam didn't go up because life is terrible; life is fine, but too damn exciting. Together girlfriend and I have passed back and forth from money problems to family problems to work problems to health problems to etc., etc., etc. Every time, it works out fine in the end and we manage. So everything is all right (thank God!).

But these times of stress and struggle, which would normally be when I wrote more even if I never publish the writing here or anywhere else, have been too roller-coastery, or something, to write at all, because it just takes so much damned energy to keep saying "Everything might go to hell. No, everything is fine. Something else went to hell. No, everything is fine again."

It's been so odd.

But last night, I couldn't sleep. I stared at the ceiling, I stared at the walls, I closed my eyes, I tried to shut off my brain. Two o'clock became three. Three became four.

And then suddenly, I got up out of bed, walked into the living room, turned on my computer, and wrote a page of a Kingdom Hearts 2 fic I'd started a while ago.

And then I stumbled into bed and slept like the dead.

Dam broken.

It seems so silly to have struggled with so many dams over and over in these past two years, but you know, when they break it feels so good that I wonder if perhaps that's why they're there.

10:15pm: Sometimes it bears repeating



Porn > work.

9:51pm: [crossover ficlet] Count D's Pet Shop, Tokyo Branch

You know, I've noticed some trends in my drabbles: they tend to involve Fruits Basket, and they tend to turn out not be drabbles.

And so, a drabbleficlet for my darling annotated_em, who wondered what Count D would make of the Sohmas.




( Count D's Pet Shop, Tokyo Branch )

6:59pm: [poem] Little Thefts

standing at the bus stop
staring off into space I am stealing it
alone among strangers
cordoned off with ear buds
looking up and seeing sky
I am stealing it

early in the morning
while the form next to me
is still in another world I am stealing it
snatching moments with paper
to jot down wandering thoughts
I am stealing it

with the scratch of scissors
against skin I am stealing it
taking the time to write a letter
I am stealing it
filching raspberries from the garden
painting my bookcase because I feel like it
I am stealing it
drinking coffee at ten pm
I am stealing it
staying up till dawn when I know
I will surely regret it later
I am stealing it
squirreling it away into corners
hiding it at the very back of the cupboard
in tiny glass bottles I am sealing it
in a world full of noise
a moment of me

3:18pm: Less than one hour later...

...Oh shit.

I have a plot.



I think I might start outlining the plot now.




If only Starbucks delivered.

2:32pm: This is the sound of a muse dying.

Here is a faithful dramatization of the terrible thought process I just experienced:


~~~~~~


[there is a sudden clicking sound, as of two ideas unexpectedly fitting together in Musespace]

Cutter: [gets a sudden and horrible premonition of doom] No. No no no no no. Whatever you are about to say is rejected out of hand.

Tekka: Seriously, I think it could work. I mean, not that I've come up with a premise or a plot or anything, but it's an idea worth exploring.

Cutter: I'm not LISTENING~~~~ [plugs her ears and hums]

Tekka: You know, if you let yourself think about this for five seconds...

Cutter: ...I'll realize what a SUPREMELY BAD idea it is because there is NO CONNECTION.

Tekka: [slyly] No connection? Now, come on, do you really think that?

Cutter: [accidentally considers this question out of sheer reflex]

Tekka: [whistles]

Cutter: I will strangle you! I swear I'll do it! [lunges at her muse]

Tekka: I'm a figment of your imagination; it's your own fault if I am evil and have no powers of concentration.

Cutter: KINGDOM HEARTS AND PRINCESS TUTU ARE TWO THINGS THAT SHOULD NEVER COME TOGETHER.

[pause]

Cutter: Well, unless... NO I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW GOODBYE THANK YOU.


~~~~~~





Seriously, I have rarely been so disturbed by one of my own random concept-bunnies.

Tekka: [smug] It's only a matter of time.

5:11pm: Gah

Dear Self,

No, when you have an idea for the ending, do NOT go the rest of the way to get the mail first and assume you'll remember it when you get back. You KNOW it never works that way, dammit! Are you TRYING to drive yourself crazy?

No love,
Me

12:45pm: Time and writing

I keep thinking about time lately, how more people in your life means less time, about what time I owe to my girlfriend, what time I owe to my family, what time I owe to my friends, what time I owe to myself. Where time comes from and where it goes.

And one thing that comes up is how I want more time present here, in this world, in this space. And more time writing. But also that time here seems like it must be purchased with more than equivalent time elsewhere: that I feel the best in this space when I've been able to work an escape from other spaces, which takes time. That this space is a refuge in a different kind of time. And also that time here has in the past several years been so strongly associated with writing that when I can't write I feel as if I can't be, here. Which is not, I think, quite right. But somehow there is this feeling, and writing absolutely requires time, because (for me at least) writing requires being alone.

And many others have said it many times before, but it is so strange that things in other areas of life which are good, even happy, events can take time that squeezes or crushes the writing time which is such a release of the spirit.

Perhaps, I think to myself, I should take a page from annotated_em's book and go somewhere to write, regularly, and thereby fashion for myself my pocket of time outside of time.

But for now, for today, these are academic musings, because last night I dreamed of Mitsuru and Shinobu.

And after paying the morning's time toll to That World, now I can come into this one, and feel yes, I woke up with an afternoon of time and a desire to write more "Working Toward."

So, now, subconscious brain--what have you been cooking up in the five years since I left that story?

7:27pm: ...uh, whoa.

I left town for one week! ONE WEEK! And it's like half the internet exploded. O_o

After five minutes of blinking madly at the stream of posts on my friendslist, I feel like I've somehow missed more than when I went into hibernation for three months....

At least I seem to see a few branchfic posts labelled "YnM"--always a promising prospect!

5:45pm:
Okay, scrolling back through my sorely-neglected friends page a bit, I saw liliascrescens and annotated_em do this and became incredibly bummed that I'd missed the boat. So now I'm going to post it and then go back in time and comment in their threads! Take that!

So...

Name a character, and I'll tell you three (or more) facts about them from my own personal canon.







Yes, I'm back--I don't know for how long. I've left a job and gone back to it since I last checked in, and life has been extremely complex.

I missed people.

5:24pm: [fiction] untitled random silliness

( This exists only to be silly. )

I'm sure MANY before me have written this same story, but that only goes to show that it's true.

6:39pm: 2006 writing round-up

Saw others doing this and it sounded quite interesting. Not doing it AT ALL as a way to remind myself what the hell fics I have sitting around on my computer half-finished. No ma'am. That has absolutely nothing to do with this.

Right.

So:

( Cutter Fics--Completed and Posted in 2006 )

( Cutter Fics--Incomplete and Languishing on Her Hard Drive )

( Ideas That Wish They Were Cutter Fics )


...damn, I hardly wrote anything in 2006. That's sort of upsetting. I hadn't realized just how little I'd done, compared to almost every year since 1999.

Guess I'd better get cracking!

1:36am: [fanfic] Out of the Woods

Apparently the very act of resurfacing and saying hello pushed some button inside me and compelled me to finish the Princess Tutu fanfic which had been languishing on my hard drive for six months. I am stunned but certainly not displeased that it worked. ^_^

Standard disclaimer: I am not seeking any kind of financial compensation for playing with Princess Tutu, and I am not representing myself to be in a position to make any such claims. Though frankly, I don't think anyone's going to mistake me for the kind of breathtaking geniuses that created Princess Tutu.

Additional disclaimer: I'm fairly certain I got at least the bare bones of the "stories as love letters" idea from someone else, but I honestly don't remember who. Italo Calvino? It's been forever since I read him.... @_@

( Out of the Woods )

12:48pm: Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and happy all the other holidays too, to all my loved ones that I need to connect with more in the new year.

I think for this year instead of presents I'd rather just be more present. ^^

Perhaps my recent Fruits Basket readings will jump-kick me back into the world. They've certainly jump-kicked me all over the place so far!

10:00pm: Dear Self

Dear Self,

Princess Tutu is too good. You are not going to be able to just sit down and write a Princess Tutu fanfic. Please stop thinking that you can, you will be better off.

If you are going to do this, it's going to have to be like Utena: it's going to have to wait until you have the whole idea formed in your mind and you know exactly how it's going to end.

Calm down and wait for it, and remember it won't happen if it's not meant to.

Love,
You

12:07am: Happy birthday, Em!

Damn! Seven minutes late!

I was so close. ;_;

But the love is still there. [smooches]

2:27am: [drabbles] Right

A three-part House drabble cycle.

( Right )

11:18pm: Tiny website update.

I let the momentum of my "oh my God I actually finished a story" joy carry right over into a website update. Basically I just posted "Catch and Release," but also of note is that I discovered the link to the fanpoem "Tangled" was broken, and fixed it accordingly.

In case anyone was wondering, my response to visiting my website for the first time in several months was "Did I really write a House/Furuba crossover? .........cool!"

:D

7:35pm: [fanfic] Catch and Release

This is a bizarre animal. I find myself wanting to beat around the bush, to apologize for it, but in point of fact--it's a Prince of Tennis fanfic.

You see, it's been sitting on my computer for months unfinished, and I finally remembered and excavated it. It's now been so long that I don't remember TeniPuri very clearly, and I never saw all that much of it to begin with (my ideas about the non-Seigaku teams are criminally vague), but at some point the idea of this fic captivated me and just refused to die. So I figured I ought to seize this opportunity and put it to rest at last.

And so, here is a fishing trip Tezuka takes just before he graduates from high school. I hope it doesn't offend any of my TeniPuri-loving friends. If I've truly destroyed any characterizations, please pretend this whole thing never happened.

Also, if you're not familiar with tomozuri fishing (and I can't imagine why you should be), here's a good definition stolen from a website I found when Googling the term:

"Anglers normally use hooks with baits or lures to get fish. But tomozuri of ayu fishing involves the use of a live grown-up ayu as a decoy that carries the hook on the abdomen. Each ayu has a territory for its food. When another ayu invades his territory, he attacks the abdomen of the invader. The decoy is an invader. The owner of the territory attacks the invader to drive it away from its territory. And it ends up getting hooked."

( Catch and Release )

I'm sure Ryouma, at least, wouldn't appreciate being thought of as a fish...but like all true fishermen, his captain thinks of fish as his equals. ^_^

10:54pm: I am alive. Really.

Please don't worry, if you have been. I am okay. I just kind of haven't had the strength to talk about my life lately, but also haven't had the capacity to talk about anything but my life, so I end up just not talking.

I am working very hard to get out of a truly poisonous work situation and into someplace safe for me and it's taking all of my energy. However, it will be over eventually and it will be all right.

But I apologize to anyone who might have emailed me since I disappeared; Hotmail deleted everything in my account and if you've sent me anything I haven't received it. So please don't think I'm deliberately not writing back.

I hope you are all well and happy and wish you everything interesting and good-tasting and otherwise nice. ^_^

9:45pm: Cutterfics update

Hey hey,

The website has been updated: I added Monkey Business and No Greater Pleasure, and I heavily revised and posted Fighting Partnership (also Works section--yes, this is my first lemon, from way back in the day...).

And with that, I am going to bed.

6:29pm: 2005 retrospective

Most of us do something along these lines, and I think that's because it's a good thing, a thing that fulfills some basic need to reflect on our pasts and organize our thoughts. So, ( 2005 in Cutterland: )


All in all, a year of insanity. Up and down and all around, and it generally wasn't what I wanted it to be, but looking back it was more than I gave it credit for.